7 Reasons Why Jesus Did Not Teleport Me to College

1. The Angels would become jealous.
Even the angels must forcibly flap their wings for movement.

2. Americans would become even more fat.
If one person is teleported to college, everyone would want to get teleported. Freshman 500 here we come.

3.The Devil would notice.
With the Devil's full attention focused on me, world hunger, wars, and Scientology would all cease to exist. Worthy trade...? Well, maybe just to get rid of Scientology.

4.Discovery Channel would write a documentary.
And still, no one would watch it.

5.God would spank Jesus.
Naughty, naughty child.

6. The resulting slipstream explosion would destroy all of Harrisonburg.
See Halo 2(Bungie, 2004).

7. Gene Rodenberry would sue Jesus.
Transporter technology is strictly copyrighted by the Star Trek franchise.


Just a few reasons why my prayers went unanswered and I was forced to endure a 12-hour drive to EMU.